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The Social Network: the kink meme!

It's Complicated: But sexy!

Mark Zuckerberg
The Sarcastic Kitty oresteia wrote in tsn_kinkmeme
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[PART NINE] & Some News
Okay, I'm a little new at this so sorry if I mess this up first go. Because it's been 5 months since the last round even though we haven't been busy. I figured I might as well earn my keep and try to get this place alive again...




IMPORTANT: please DO NOT post prompts about any non-public people as part of a prompt. for example: randi zuckerberg is fine as she is a public figure both on the internet and on facebook itself. priscilla chan is NOT as she is not a public figure.

if you're in doubt, please message the mod or leave a comment in the discussion post.

♥ post requests and responses in the comments to this post.
♥ be respectful.
♥ both a pairing/character AND a prompt/kink must be posted.
♥ one pairing/prompt per comment please.
♥ you are encouraged to try and write a prompt for every request you make.
♥ we are slash, femslash, het, three-and-moresomes etc. friendly. (we are even incest friendly what with some of our characters being twins and all...)
♥ no pairing bashing, OK? no need to wank over ships.
♥ long and short fics welcome. multiple responses encouraged!
♥ please try to refrain from saying 'seconded!' as much as possible.
♥ on RPF: Please disclaim that it is RPF, a work of fiction and in no way related to the actual actors/persons/etc. (i wouldn't even try and discourage RPF from this meme ;))


♥ alphabetize pairings/threesomes/moresomes. (e.g. Eduardo/Mark/Sean etc.)
♥ put [RPF] before RPF prompts. (e.g. [RPF] Andrew/Jesse)
♥ for crossover prompts: "[Crossover], The Social Network Character(s)/Other Character(s), [Fandom]" (e.g. [Crossover], Eduardo/Columbus, [Zombieland])
♥ no "!" in pairings, only in descriptions. (e.g. Eduardo/Mark, FacebookCreator!Eduardo, CFO!Mark)
♥ anyone, everyone, no one? Use "Other." (e.g. Sean/Other)
♥ Please do not repost prompts from earlier rounds
♥ put [GEN] before GEN prompts.


♥ please don't embed. link to images/videos.
♥ no locked material. this includes communities, even if membership is open.
♥ fills can be posted anonymously or not.
♥ fills can be anything: fic, art, vid, fanmix, podfic, etc.
♥ all prompts are open to fills at all times, even if they have been filled in the past or are being currently filled by someone else. multiple fills are positively encouraged; if something appeals to you then do not be put off creating a new fill by the existence of a prior one.
NEW: ♥ PLEASE comment with the first of your fill to the PROMPT and then all future updates as a comment to the FIRST PART of the fill. this makes it easier for both the WIP spreadhseet and for archiving stuff on delicious. it also helps people who are trying to catch up on updates and don't have to look through every fill on the prompt (should it have more than one). thank you.

Hi, right now everyone is working on some changes so hold on new things are coming. In an effort to kick this place back into action, we're doing round 9. In a few days, we'll be setting up a fills post that hopefully will work directly for archiving and an overflow post. Also we'll be doing a friending meme at tsn_km_gather so be looking out for that. I know some of the other mods have plans of their own which will be coming soon.

If you have any questions or ideas that I can help you with, feel free to PM me. I'll be around.



have fun!

THERE WILL BE UNMARKED SPOILERS. enter at your own risk! :D


i know you guys are enjoying this meme and i appreciate that but please can you put the SUBJECT HEADER on your prompt. you would REALLY be helping me out if you could do that. it just saves time for me when i'm trying to tag everything in delicious.



AND PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT repost prompts from parts three, four, five, six, seven, or eight. the delicious is around for people to find prompts they may not have already seen. We know there's been some issues but we're working on it with pinboard. No duplicates from this round either. THANK YOU.


Established relationship, one of them is convinced and terrified the other one is cheating. Maybe Mark's staying late at the office most nights and Eduardo thinks he's cheating, or the other way around: Eduardo starts making a lot of frequent business trips, being distant etc. Maybe they stop having sex because the one who's being suspected of cheating is always coming home tired; maybe the other one tries to spice things up in the bedroom to try to ~save their relationship, etc.

I know this is already really tl;dr and especific, but there's one more thing I wanted to request: NO CHEATING. no actual cheating. no one is actually cheating in their relationship. NO CHEATING, PLEASE!

Also, the reason one of them was being distant, working more, etc could be something work-related, or something like they want to propose, bring up adoption, come out to their family as a couple or just come out to the general public, etc. and they were worried/stressed about it.

Re: Eduardo/Mark

i am filling this! it may be a bit before i get anything up but i wanted to let you know. :) and this is an odd question, i feel, and forgive me if it doesn't make sense - but do you mind if when mark thinks eduardo's cheating on him he starts staying late at work and then eduardo gets a-frightened and "omg mark is angry with me what have i DONE it'll blow over if i stay later at work" and basically misunderstandings and angst all around before the happy ending?

Re: Eduardo/Mark

oh hey! first of all, omg thank you! you are basically my favorite person in the whole wide world right now. :D secondly, i don't mind that at all! i love misunderstandings and angst! as long as there's a happy ending i assure you i will love whatever you come up with. :D again, thank you so much. you rock!

- OP

fill - 1/?

here's the start! and now i've got to dash but there should be more tonight. :)

People like to say that Mark doesn’t notice anything, but they’re wrong. He doesn’t notice things that are unnecessary to him, that he deems unworthy of attention; he doesn’t really notice when he’s hungry, anymore, except when it gets to the point of physical pain (but that’s lessened, now that Eduardo’s living with him – because Eduardo has him eat a decent meal every night and a breakfast nearly every morning and he’s healthier, he knows it, even if he’ll never say the words to anyone).

He doesn’t notice things that are unimportant, but he picks up on little things – the way that Eduardo grabs his coffee cup differently when he’s tired, the way his jaw tightens every time he gets a phone call, still, as though he always thinks it’s going to be his father –

The way he’s been staying later and later at work, almost as though he’s avoiding Mark.

Mark isn’t stupid. He knows that he can’t be Eduardo’s whole life, isn’t sure that he’d want to be. And it isn’t as though they never fight anymore – but this is different. This has been two weeks of Eduardo coming home later and later, while Mark gets home at nine every night, in the feeble hopes that Eduardo will be there, waiting for him.

He sits on the couch, sometimes, and stares at the door, willing it to open, Eduardo to walk inside.

Mark’s not a fucking dog, all right. He can get by without seeing Eduardo all of the time, but it’s more than that. It’s –

“Hey,” Mark says, smiling, and stands up when Eduardo gets home, walking over to him, offering a hug.

Eduardo returns it distractedly, and his smile is forced. (Mark notices that, too, most of all.)

Mark swallows. “Would you like dinner? I made myself something – but it’ll taste fine if you let me –”

“That’s fine, I ate,” Eduardo says, and swallows, running a hand through his hair. “I – yeah. I’m just going to go to bed, if that’s all right.”

Mark nods, feeling the air stick in his throat. “Yeah, that’s – fine. I’ll be up in a bit.”

Eduardo quirks a smile. “Don’t come up on my account, I can’t stand when you toss and turn because you can’t sleep.” He leans down, kissing Mark on the cheek, almost chaste, and then he’s upstairs without another word.

“Good night,” Mark says, and he shakes his head against the feeling swarming through him – because he’s not a girl, all right, he’s not going to get overly emotional about Eduardo wanting to sleep alone once in a while.

He wracks his brain, trying to remember – did they fight? Mark’s been pretty good about keeping his comments to a minimum level of insult, especially about Eduardo (it helps that he can’t really think of anything wrong with Eduardo, and he realizes that’s irrational but that’s okay), but – maybe?

He shakes his head, and sits down in front of the TV, attempting to turn his brain off.

It doesn’t work, but he tries.

Re: fill - 1/?

I love this already. Thank you so much for filling this! I can't wait to read more. <3

- op

Re: fill - 1/?

ahh, thank you so much! :)

Re: fill - 1/?

Mark's here remember me a lot my mum *love* (would we expect for burst of anger, next time? xD)

Re: fill - 1/?

Aww, Mark.
I'm loving this already, anon.

Re: fill - 1/? - (Anonymous), 2012-03-17 04:02 pm (UTC)(Expand)
this is wonderful; i'm really excited to see where it goes!

(no subject) - (Anonymous), 2012-03-17 04:03 pm (UTC)(Expand)

Re: fill - 1/?

Ah yay omg this is actually getting filled and I really like your characterization woohoo

Re: fill - 1/? - (Anonymous), 2012-03-17 04:02 pm (UTC)(Expand)

i do not expect a miracle - 2a/?

so i have a title now, and because i'm incredibly pretentious it's from a sylvia plath poem called "black rook in rainy weather". also, this was not later that night. oops, sorry. but here's the next bit!

Mark doesn’t like sleeping alone.

It’s not that he gets lonely, or anything, it’s just that he’s gotten used to a certain level of – not being alone, at night, and he doesn’t like having to re-get used to things. He doesn’t like the bed, not by himself, because it’s too big for one person, probably too big for two but he can pretend that it isn’t, that he needs to curl up next to Eduardo.

He’s never told him, he thinks, how much he likes to cuddle – because to admit it always seems silly, too sentimental for the two of them. They’re not Sunday mornings shared in bed, discussing life and the meaning of it; they’re fighting until they can’t anymore, and whispered I love you’s as apologies. And that suits them just fine – that’s all that Mark needs.

Except that it isn’t.

He doesn’t like sleeping alone because he doesn’t feel right without Wardo; because even when they’re separate they have things like Skype to talk to each other on (because Facebook is too weird, they both agree, because Mark knows how much he hurt Wardo and he’s working on making it right). They talk until one of them falls asleep (whichever it’s nighttime for), and that’s – nice. It’s good. Mark likes it. He likes the last thing he hears to be Wardo’s voice, talking about anything, everything.

But – he doesn’t have that, now. He doesn’t have anyone to hold, at night – he has an empty bed and a lot of pillows and blankets, and that’s it.

He tries his hardest to sleep alone, to not think the worst – but Eduardo isn’t coming home and he’s not sure what he’s supposed to think.


Wardo doesn’t come home, and Mark doesn’t sleep.

He stays at work all hours of the day, until Chris and Dustin are trying to get him to sleep (but he won’t, can’t, because he’s not going back to an empty bed), until finally he’s being dragged away by none other than Wardo himself.

“Mark,” and he sounds dangerously angry, dragging him, and Mark knows he saved his work but he doesn’t care, turns his head into Wardo’s chest, sighing softly, and he dimly registers some sort of cologne that he doesn’t recognize, “Mark, Jesus Christ, you can’t do this to yourself.”

“Why not?” and the words are soft, come out almost slurred, and he doesn’t open his eyes.

“Mark,” and this is softer, now, “okay, let’s get you in here.” Mark nearly falls into the car, and he forces his eyes to stay open, to track Wardo’s movements. “What are you doing?” Wardo asks, then, soft, as he starts to drive, and he very carefully does not look at Mark.

Mark shrugs, looking down at his hands. “I don’t like sleeping alone.”


“Nothing,” and Mark shakes his head, looks out the window, because he’s not getting into this with him. Not when he’s this tired. “Are you coming home with me?”

“I’ll – yeah. I think I need to sleep, too.”

Mark lets out a breath of relief, and nods – and then everything goes a bit fuzzy around the edges, as though it’s all through a film that he can’t quite see through, and even touch seems muffled.

Wardo grabs him around the arms and pulls him into the house, taking off his shoes and only that before Mark drags him down.

“Mark, you need to change,” he protests, and Mark pulls away for only long enough to shuck his pants and t-shirt before turning back toward him, pulling him close.

“Stay,” he whispers, and he’s so tired that his filter is nearly nonexistent but even he knows not to go past that; he can’t say anything more without saying everything, and he doesn’t know if he can do that, if Wardo wants to hear it.

He feels a nod against the top of his head and an almost hesitant pulling Mark forward, into a hug.

Mark closes his eyes and sleeps.

i do not expect a miracle - 2b/? - (Anonymous), 2012-03-17 04:01 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Re: i do not expect a miracle - 2b/? - (Anonymous), 2012-03-17 04:48 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Re: i do not expect a miracle - 2b/? - (Anonymous), 2012-03-17 04:58 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Re: i do not expect a miracle - 2b/? - (Anonymous), 2012-03-18 01:37 am (UTC)(Expand)

i do not expect a miracle - 3a/?

thank you all so so much for your lovely comments. :) you are fantastic and i am writing this way too quickly and it's ot even that quick. ah, well.

It’s possible, he concedes, that he’s overreacting.

He’s sure that Chris and/or Dustin would know – because Wardo’s never been one for secrets, or for hiding things. Perhaps, he thinks, perhaps it’s just a coincidence – but it’s a thousand coincidences, and the fact that – well, that he wouldn’t blame Wardo.

It’s not that he feels sorry for himself; he doesn’t. He just – he gets it. He gets that he’s scrawny and works too much and maybe Wardo wants something different, something more.

Mark would, too, probably. (But Wardo’s perfect for him and so he’s never even entertained the thought.)

He stays at work later than he should, later than he usually does, but when Dustin comes in, puts a hand on his arm, Mark nods, closes the laptop.

He spins around and bites his lip, swallows. “I –” he starts, and then nothing, because he has no way to voice his fears.

“Mark,” and this is soft and slow, “what’s going on?”

Mark swallows. “I think,” he starts, “that Wardo’s cheating on me.”

Dustin frowns, but doesn’t protest – and that’s what Mark’s always liked about him, most of all. He lets him talk. “What makes you say that?”

“He hasn’t been home – he doesn’t like being home – he doesn’t like sleeping with me.”

“I don’t want details,” Dustin says, quick.

Mark shakes his head, closing his eyes. “Not – not sex. He doesn’t like sleeping with me. You know.”

“Okay,” Dustin whispers. “Have you talked to him about it?”

“I don’t want to lose him.”

“I thought –”

“If I can pretend,” Mark says, and he knows how it sounds but he has to get it out to someone that won’t laugh at him, at least out loud, “that means I can have him, in whatever capacity he wants. I just – don’t want him to leave me for good.”

“Oh, Mark,” and he sounds sad; Mark opens his eyes and Dustin’s staring at him, concern in his eyes. “Do you want me to go home with you?”

Mark shrugs.

“We can drink shitty beer and play video games?” and it’s said in such a pseudo-hopeful tone that it makes Mark want to cry – but he won’t, because he’s not doing this.

He nods, then, and stands up, cracking his neck.

Dustin walks out with him.

He keeps up a steady stream of chatter, gesticulating widely, and Mark lets him, goes into his house feeling a bit better than he was – because it’s been a long time since he’s had someone pay this much attention to him, in any sense.

He smiles, then, and Dustin nods, pleased.

“Hey – is Wardo home?” he whispers.

Mark swallows, and shrugs, going upstairs to check.

The bed is empty.

He goes back down and shakes his head, shrugging. “I – no. He isn’t.” This is forcedly happy, and he knows that Dustin gets it but there’s no protesting.

Dustin smiles. “Where’s your Xbox?”


They don’t end up drinking but they do play games until Mark falls asleep on the couch, letting the controller fall out of his hands.

He dimly registers Dustin moving him to a more comfortable position and hears the door click shut behind him.

And then he’s alone – but he’s already half-asleep, and he lets it overtake him entirely.

i do not expect a miracle - 3b/? - (Anonymous), 2012-03-18 11:48 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Re: i do not expect a miracle - 3b/? - (Anonymous), 2012-03-20 01:31 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: i do not expect a miracle - 3b/? - (Anonymous), 2012-03-25 11:34 am (UTC)(Expand)

i do not expect a miracle - 4a/?

you are all lovely, thank you so so much. :D

Eduardo goes away on a business trip.

He smiles at Mark just before he leaves, gives him a quick kiss on the corner of his mouth, and Mark realizes just how long it’s been since they’ve last kissed, since Eduardo deigned to kiss him – but he shouldn’t think like that, because Eduardo didn’t have to get together with him, didn’t have to – to be with him, Mark’s lucky as it is, lucky enough.

Eduardo goes away and the house is really empty.

It takes two nights before Mark breaks, calls him, needing to hear his voice.

“Hello?” He sounds amused, relaxed. It’s been so long since Mark heard him like that that he closes his eyes, shaking his head a bit.

“Hey, Wardo,” he says, soft.

There’s a sharp intake of breath, and then, “I didn’t look - Mark. How are you?”

Mark doesn’t have the energy to pick that apart, and so he closes his eyes, lying down on his bed. “I’m exhausted,” he says, “but I can’t sleep.”

“Oh,” and this is soft, barely a breath, and then, “do you want me to talk to you until you fall asleep?”

“Would you mind?” Mark asks, tiny; and if he has to ask like this, has to trick Eduardo into talking to him for a long period of time, that’s what he’s going to do, because he can’t – he just can’t do this.

“Not at all,” and he sounds like he means it.

He starts to talk – about Singapore, about the job he’s doing, about everything that’s seemingly irrelevant that Mark loves to hear about, and he has to struggle to stay awake, to keep listening.

In the early days of their relationship, this was how it was at dinner; this was what Wardo talked about, but over time he got it in his head that Mark didn’t like hearing about it (which is stupid because Mark never gets bored with Wardo, hasn’t since they started this again because how could he tire of the – of his Wardo?), and it’s nice, to get back to that.

If he presses the phone against his ear tight enough, it’s as though Wardo’s there with him, lying in bed with him.

“Mark?” he hears, hesitant.

Mark makes a noise and says “Yeah?” His voice is rough with almost-sleep but he needs to let him know he’s awake.

“I haven’t bored you to sleep yet?” Wardo asks, teasing, but there’s a real edge of – of sadness, or something, just beneath the surface.

Mark frowns. “You could never bore me,” he says, honestly, and sits up. He thinks this is a conversation they need to have.

“I – it’s okay,” Wardo says, and clears his throat. Mark hears the sound of papers being shuffled. “I just – it’s okay. I know you don’t like – you don’t care.”

“Of course I care, Wardo,” Mark says, and if his voice comes out sharper than intended, well, he can hardly be blamed for that. “I care about – everything that you say.”

“Oh,” Wardo says, the syllable hanging between them, and he sounds – shocked, almost, and bewildered, and Mark wants to hold him close and make him see – see how much he loves him.

Mark hums. “You were talking about your friend Amanda?” he offers, quiet.

He hears Wardo suck in a breath and then continue.

Eventually, Mark does fall asleep, the phone still pressed against his ear.

It’s nice. It’s almost (almost, almost) like old times.

i do not expect a miracle - 4b/? - (Anonymous), 2012-03-26 11:30 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Re: i do not expect a miracle - 4b/? - (Anonymous), 2012-03-26 11:59 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Re: i do not expect a miracle - 4b/? - (Anonymous), 2012-03-27 08:39 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: i do not expect a miracle - 4b/? - rrrg, 2012-03-28 12:16 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: i do not expect a miracle - 4b/? - (Anonymous), 2012-03-29 07:56 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Re: i do not expect a miracle - 4b/? - (Anonymous), 2012-04-03 01:06 am (UTC)(Expand)
(no subject) - oflights, 2012-04-09 01:46 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: i do not expect a miracle - 4b/? - (Anonymous), 2012-04-09 04:25 am (UTC)(Expand)

i do not expect a miracle - 5a/?

thank you so much for all of your comments, they mean so much. :D also: man, i'm sorry for the fluff and cheesiness of this part. i promise there will be more sadness later? (it doesn't end here, OH, NO.)


Wardo sits up all of the way, looking concerned. “What’s wrong?”

Mark takes a step into the room, and swallows, thick.

“I,” he starts, and pauses, looking down, because he doesn’t know where to go from here, what to say. He has a thousand thoughts running through his mind but nothing is adequate; because if Wardo’s cheating on him he doesn’t know how to get across that it’s okay, that he just wants to know (that he doesn’t want to know, not really).

Wardo frowns at him, sitting up properly, and Mark thinks that he looks scared. “Mark?”

“I – okay.” Mark sits down on the edge of the bed, a good foot and a half from Wardo, and tangles his fingers together, not looking at him.

“Okay,” Wardo whispers, moving closer.

“Don’t,” Mark gets out, raising a hand, and Wardo freezes, retreating back to his position against the headboard.

Wardo nods, slow, and now he really looks nervous. “Okay, Mark.”

Mark breathes out, and then, “Why haven’t you been coming home?”

Wardo frowns. “What?”

“You haven’t – you’re never home, anymore, and you never want to sleep with me – and not in the sex way, though there’s that, too. What I’m talking about is the not-sex way – the actual sleeping, you know, instead of the – other things.” Mark swallows, and closes his eyes. “And I don’t – I don’t really mind that you – I know what you’re doing. I don’t want – I just –”

“Breathe,” Wardo whispers, and reaches out for him, pulling Mark close.

Mark collapses against him, now, and tries not to think about how long it’s been since he’s felt this.

“Why aren’t you ever home?” he asks, soft, defeated.

Wardo stiffens; Mark definitely feels it, this time, and he braces himself for the inevitable, the I want someone else that’s sure to come out.

Wardo manages to surprise him, somehow.

“I’m afraid,” he says, soft.

Mark looks up at him. “What?”

“I don’t – I have – Mark, you don’t – you don’t get it.”

“I don’t, I don’t get why you would – have to fuck someone else –”

What?” Wardo almost shouts, looking at him,w ide-eyed.

Mark freezes. “Isn’t that it?”

Wardo shakes his head, mouth falling open. “No – Mark – shit, I can’t - no.”

He’s defensive, Mark thinks, and he can’t be surprised by it. “It’s okay,” Mark whispers, shaking his head. “I can – I’m not going to leave you. I just want you to be honest with me.”

“I am,” and Wardo just sounds hurt now, as though he has any room to be. “How could you – Mark, I’d never do that to you. You have to know that.”

Mark doesn’t say anything, staring at his hands.

Wardo shakes his head, and he looks – out of it, absolutely awful. He gets up, shaking his head again, and closes his eyes. “I think – I need some time,” he says, in a voice that sounds nothing like his own, and he walks away from Mark.

He gets all the way to the front door, Mark following him silently, before he works up the courage to stop him.

“No, you’re not!” he almost-shouts, shaking his head.

Wardo whirls around, mouth falling open.

“This isn’t – we can’t – that’s not how you deal with fights, Wardo, you don’t –“

“This is more than a fight, Mark, this is – you – you think I would cheat on you, as though I have no morals whatsoever –”

“Of course it’s about the morals,” Mark snaps, “if it weren’t immoral you’d have done it forever ago, of course you would have, because I deserve it.”

Wardo’s eyes widen, and he stares at Mark. “What the fuck are you talking about?” he hisses.

Mark’s teeth clench, and he looks to the left of Wardo’s face, not able to look him in the eyes. “I know I’m not – the best, but I deserve – we deserve – honesty and communication and – all of that bullshit.”

Wardo huffs out a laugh, shaking his head. “I can’t believe you.”

Mark frowns. “What?”

“You – you accuse me of infidelity and then you turn around and make it all about you.”

i do not expect a miracle - 5b/? - (Anonymous), 2012-04-11 11:38 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Re: i do not expect a miracle - 5b/? - (Anonymous), 2012-04-12 12:11 am (UTC)(Expand)

i do not expect a miracle - 6a/?

i think this is the longest part so far. hooray! i think. :D and as always, your comments are so nice kdfjsdlkfkjd

“We need to talk,” Mark says, the next morning, when they’re thoroughly kissed out (and he’s missed this, the easy way he could kiss Eduardo, his hands on his waist, the lazy, slow kisses before they’re fully awake).

Wardo rolls over to face him, quirking an eyebrow, and he smirks. “Oh?”

“Yes.” Mark swallows, thick. “You can’t just – okay. You can’t do that.”

Wardo frowns. “Kiss you? Because you weren’t complaining.”

Mark frowns and he hopes he gets his message of please stop fucking with me, this is a serious conversation across. “You can’t just – leave me. Alone. I can’t – I can’t handle that. I don’t like when you’re gone and I’m not – no. I won’t marry you if you’re just going to leave when you get scared.” He whispers this into the curve of Wardo’s neck, because even now, when he’s terrified, he can barely believe that he has this, that this is his to have.

Wardo opens his mouth, but Mark shakes his head, keeps talking.

“I love you. So much. But – that – do you know what it’s like, to come home, to not have – you there, to have to eat and be alone and for every time you did show up to have to put on a brave face and pretend. Because that’s – not something I can do, anymore.” He closes his eyes, and he remembers what it felt like, to come home, to be alone, to try so fucking hard and get nothing in return.

“I know,” Wardo whispers, and he hesitates the barest of moments before continuing. “But I do know what that’s like.”

Mark freezes, and then frowns, shaking his head. “I don’t–” because he’s getting better, he was, he tried so hard after –

“I know it’s not – it was then. At Harvard. You know what I mean. But that’s how it was, that’s how it always was.”

Mark shakes his head, feeling a bit like the rug’s been pulled out from under him, his heart beating a bit faster. No, no, no. “That’s not the same.”

“Mark, I know you’re often operating under the idea that I don’t care about you as much as you do me, but I can promise that even then–”

“No, I mean –” and he pulls back for this, face serious, “Wardo, that’s not how it worked. We weren’t – anything, then, and anyway I was just – I was nineteen, okay, and gay but I didn’t know it and I wanted you and I didn’t know what to do with that. That’s not the same as you, as – you not coming home for reasons that I don’t really understand. You knew how I felt. Know. I didn’t. I never knew.”

“I was scared,” Wardo whispers, and Mark’s heart breaks just a little bit more. The next words come out quick, almost harsh. “You – I didn’t know how you feel, Mark, I never know how you feel.”

“I love you,” he says, quick.

“I don’t mean – not that. I mean – I tell you things and you act as though you don’t care and I try so hard to be interesting for you and I feel like – I just want you so much more than you want me.”

Mark shakes his head. “No,” he whispers, “that’s not true,” and he wants Wardo in every inch of him, in every way he can have him and then more. “You don’t – you don’t understand,” and he’s drowning while lying in his bed, he feels absolutely overwhelmed with the want and the worry, coursing through him.

“Try to make me understand, then,” Wardo whispers, and he looks like he’s breaking.

Mark shakes his head. “I can’t.” Because it’s beyond words, beyond anything he can say – he wants Wardo in all of the soft, secret ways he’s never wanted anyone. His fingers itch for a computer, for a keyboard, because he feels that maybe if he can get to a computer, he can explain it in a way that he might then be able to explain to Wardo.

i do not expect a miracle - 6b/? - (Anonymous), 2012-04-21 08:10 pm (UTC)(Expand)
i do not expect a miracle - 6c/? - (Anonymous), 2012-04-21 08:10 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Re: i do not expect a miracle - 6c/? - (Anonymous), 2012-04-21 08:38 pm (UTC)(Expand)