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The Social Network: the kink meme!

It's Complicated: But sexy!


zuckonitkinkeme zuckonitkinkeme wrote in tsn_kinkmeme
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[PART SEVEN] - CLOSED
quick note; GUYS. please be aware that if you posted a prompt in part six and it is now screened, i have posted them to the post already - so that you guys don't have to. thanks for being patient and making the fill-a-thon such a success!

sorry i didn't get much of delicious done; i lacked the internet over the break but rest assured i have absolutely nothing to do so will get it, hopefully.


THE SOCIAL NETWORK KINK MEME


ASK THE MODS * FAQ * DISCUSSION * RESEARCH * FILL LIST * PART ONE * PART ONE (OVERFLOW) * PART TWO * PART TWO (OVERFLOW) * PART THREE * (PART THREE (OVERFLOW) * PART FOUR * PART FIVE * PART SIX


GENERAL RULES;

IMPORTANT: please DO NOT post prompts about any non-public people as part of a prompt. for example: randi zuckerberg is fine as she is a public figure both on the internet and on facebook itself. priscilla chan is NOT as she is not a public figure.

if you're in doubt, please message the mod or leave a comment in the discussion post.



♥ post requests and responses in the comments to this post.
♥ be respectful.
♥ both a pairing/character AND a prompt/kink must be posted.
♥ one pairing/prompt per comment please.
♥ you are encouraged to try and write a prompt for every request you make.
♥ we are slash, femslash, het, three-and-moresomes etc. friendly. (we are even incest friendly what with some of our characters being twins and all...)
♥ no pairing bashing, OK? no need to wank over ships.
♥ long and short fics welcome. multiple responses encouraged!
♥ please try to refrain from saying 'seconded!' as much as possible.
♥ on RPF: Please disclaim that it is RPF, a work of fiction and in no way related to the actual actors/persons/etc. (i wouldn't even try and discourage RPF from this meme ;))
WARN FOR COMMON TRIGGERS, PLEASE




FORMAT OF PROMPTS;


♥ alphabetize pairings/threesomes/moresomes. (e.g. Eduardo/Mark/Sean etc.)
♥ put [RPF] before RPF prompts. (e.g. [RPF] Andrew/Jesse)
♥ for crossover prompts: "[Crossover], The Social Network Character(s)/Other Character(s), [Fandom]" (e.g. [Crossover], Eduardo/Columbus, [Zombieland])
♥ no "!" in pairings, only in descriptions. (e.g. Eduardo/Mark, FacebookCreator!Eduardo, CFO!Mark)
♥ anyone, everyone, no one? Use "Other." (e.g. Sean/Other)
♥ put [GEN] before GEN prompts.




FILLS;


♥ please don't embed. link to images/videos.
♥ no locked material. this includes communities, even if membership is open.
♥ fills can be posted anonymously or not.
♥ fills can be anything: fic, art, vid, fanmix, podfic, etc.
♥ all prompts are open to fills at all times, even if they have been filled in the past or are being currently filled by someone else. multiple fills are positively encouraged; if something appeals to you then do not be put off creating a new fill by the existence of a prior one.
NEW: ♥ PLEASE comment with the first of your fill to the PROMPT and then all future updates as a comment to the FIRST PART of the fill. this makes it easier for both the WIP spreadhseet and for archiving stuff on delicious. it also helps people who are trying to catch up on updates and don't have to look through every fill on the prompt (should it have more than one). thank you.






[ARCHIVING]

[DELICIOUS]

[UNFILLED REQUESTS]

[FILLED REQUESTS]

[FLAT VIEW]


have fun!

THERE WILL BE UNMARKED SPOILERS. enter at your own risk! :D



PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING;

i know you guys are enjoying this meme and i appreciate that but please can you put the SUBJECT HEADER on your prompt. you would REALLY be helping me out if you could do that. it just saves time for me when i'm trying to tag everything in delicious.

AND PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT repost prompts from parts three, four, five or six over here again. the delicious is around for people to find prompts they may not have already seen. (prompts for parts one and two are now up for reposting.)

NEW RULE;

PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF THE 'FILL' RULES. THERE HAS BEEN A CHANGE. thank you.
Tags:

[rpf] Andrew/Jesse, infidelity

(Anonymous)
Andrew cheats on Jesse (possibly a one night stand at a wrap party?) with a beautiful blonde model and Jesse somehow finds out about it. Jesse's insecurity and the pain of the betrayal overwhelm him and he has a bit of a breakdown. Meanwhile, Andrew is desperately seeking forgiveness.

The more angst, the better.

Not for You, My Love. 1/?

(Anonymous)
There is a buzz in his head.

That is all he can think about. He does not think about his hands which are shaking violently. He does not think about his throat that feels like it's closing in on itself. He doesn't think about anything but the static in his ears. His head is quiet apart from a buzz that makes a nerve in his temple pound. He cannot think.

He does not feel like himself.

He feels detached from his body. He opens his eyes and sees a pair of hands (so fucking ugly) gripping the sink. His head hurts; it throbs along with the beat of his heart. He looks up and is greeted by this boy who has fuck ugly hair, and fuck ugly cheeks, and fuck ugly eyes. He watches this reflection lift a hand and touch its face. There is static in his mind. The reflection looks like its been crying. It deserves to cry because it is so fucking ugly he wants to smash it, make it go away with his face that is undoubtedly even uglier.

There is a knock on the door. Or maybe it's just his head which is full of crazy thoughts that make him so fucking insane this is why he is not enough and can never be enough because he is crazy and he cannot think straight and walk among crowds without feeling his hands shake because he is so fucking crazy.

"Jess!"

He stares at the reflection some more. He does not know, he cannot think. There is static in his head and his heart is beating too loudly and his temple is throbbing and someone was knocking on the door.

He does not know where he is. He watches his (fuck ugly) hands grip the sink tighter. Someone is yelling Jess. He knows he knows that name somewhere but he cannot think because there is nothing in his mind but static and the need to make his heart stop trying to beat wildly in his chest.

"JESSE OPEN THE DOOR PLEASE!"

There is something lodged in his throat and he starts choking a little. He cannot breathe is he dying will he die he does not want to die he wants to die what is going on where--

He jumps up (because he has anxiety issues and he is fucking crazy who would fucking want him he is insane) when the door bangs open and there is someone and he feels something heavy in his chest and he can't he can't

"Jesse."

He is being approached warily (because he's crazy of course he might harm other people all he does is harm people and go crazy and--) He looks up, wild-eyed. He does not know where he is or who he is he cannot think he must not let himself or he will--

"How could you" someone had said and he is fascinated that this man could speak without opening his mouth but realises that he is the one speaking. How can someone speak and not know they are speaking (fuck he is so fucking crazy this is why--this is why--) "how could do this to--" it's because he is crazy and he is insane and he has fuck ugly hands and fuck ugly face and-- "Andrew." because that is the only thing that means something but it hurts when it should soothe and he sobs and he does not want to so he puts his fuck ugly hands up and covers his mouth because he is sobbing and he needs to stop because this is pathetic.

"Jesse, love, come on I -"

And something in him breaks. He feels it and he cannot stop. There is a flood in his mind where there had been static and he is drowning under this assault of mental images. Jesus. Jesse, his name is Jesse and he's in love with Andrew and he just came home to find Andrew fucking a woman on their bed and it's their and Jesse loves him Jesse loves him so much he cannot breathe.

The edges of his vision are starting to blur and it hurts it hurts so much it's like a validation of all the things Jesse managed to push in the farthest corner of his mind; let Andrew kiss his nose and his hands and his face until he is shaking and writhing and so in love with Andrew he no longer cares if he feels so inadequate next to him and --

He does not feel himself falling but there is a cold tile under the palm of his hand. He can't breathe and he thinks he's dying and Andrew is kneeling next to him and touching his face and saying something with those lips that were on someone else's lips and it's red, Jesse can see. There's lipstick and it's red and Jesse was not the one who had been kissing him it had not been him because --

Not for You, My Love. 1.5/?

(Anonymous)
Jesse tries to push the thoughts away because he is suffocating and he needs to leave. To do something and be somewhere with someone who makes him feel safe and it's Andrew and Jesse should feel safe but no. No. Jesse just wants to be away or to disappear or to cling on to Andrew and push him away. He needs to leave because he feels like he's about to die. His mind whirs switching coping mechanisms over coping mechanisms until it finds something to dull. Jesse thinks of water, or Columbus or Mark. Mark. He thinks of Mark and tries to reign everything in. Tries to forget until he no longer hurts.

Andrew is speaking and Jesse felt it before he could hear it, thoughts calming themselves as he channels enough of the cold mask of indifference, tries to put it on. Arm himself. Andrew is clutching him and speaking, lips touching his forehead chanting I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry and Jesse wills himself to calm the fuck down because he needs to get away and to be able to get away he needs to move and to be able to move he needs to stop shaking. He breathes deeply, tries not to heave on the smell of Andrew's skin that's exposed on the undone buttons of his polo.

Jesse thinks calm and he calms. It cracks under his skin but it is enough to pull himself away and to stand shakily at his feet. Andrew rises with him and has his arms open like he's ready to catch him in case Jesse falls and fuck you I thought you'd never hurt me. He looks up until he is meeting Andrew's eyes and it hurts it hurts but he did not get nominated for Best Actor as a cold, indifferent asshole for nothing.

Andrew opens his mouth and steps forward. Jesse leans away but does not step back. Does not look away from Andrew. He puts his hands in the pockets of his slacks, automatic, and corrects his posture. But he feels it cracking - splitering - and he has to get out soon he can only keep this up.

"Jess -"

He cuts him off with a glare. Hurt still somehow showing and his chest is still twisting and his vision is still blurring but he looks at Andrew. "How -" he wets his lips, feels it crack. "Fuck you, Andrew. Just. Fuck you." and he is out the washroom and he does not look at the bed or anything because he would break. He hears Andrew's footsteps and fills a grip on his arm and

"Jess, please I -"

He can't deal. Jesse feels disgusting and weak and hurt and he wants to touch Andrew tell him it's okay but it's not Jesse wants to not be here right now.

He feels his face break a little and he's crying but he doesn't want to be - "I need to go. Right now. We'll - talk. Maybe. Soon." The grip tightens. "Please" and he chokes it out but he will not fucking let himself fall because if he does he would be too weak to stand up again.

Jesse shrugs the hand away and walks. Andrew does not follow. He walks out the hall and into the lift and he presses G and he wipes his face and thinks calm. The doors ding open and he is on his phone and he is saying things and his mom is speaking and he is exhausted he is so exhausted and hurt but he keeps his posture straight, thinks CEO, Bitch. He lets the yellow (so yellow) New York cab take him away.

Re: Not for You, My Love. 1.5/?

(Anonymous)
OP here. Thank you so much for picking this up, it's fantastic so far. And as a person who also lives with anxiety/self-esteem issues, I must say that I so appreciate how real and honest this is. I can't wait to see how it turns out <3

Re: Not for You, My Love. 1.5/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-23 01:08 am (UTC)(Expand)

Re: Not for You, My Love. 1.5/?

(Anonymous)
IHATEYOUANDREW

love this though

Re: Not for You, My Love. 1.5/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-23 01:09 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 1.5/? - mauralee88, 2011-06-22 08:05 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 1.5/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-23 01:10 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 1.5/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-22 02:09 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 1.5/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-23 01:17 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 1.5/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-22 02:37 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 1.5/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-23 01:18 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 1.5/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-22 04:17 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 1.5/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-23 01:21 am (UTC)(Expand)

AUTHOR HERE. FILL MIGHT BE TRIGGERING TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE ANXIETY

(Anonymous)
Um yeah hi this is the anon with the ~first hand experience~ and the incredible amount of debilitating self-esteem issues SORRY FOR FORGETTING TO PUT WARNING ON THE TITLE :

Not for You, My Love. 2/?

(Anonymous)
so I typed it all out on one comment an hour, maybe two after posting the first part and then I clicked 'post comment' AND LJ ATE THE WHOLE THING sjkflml raaaaaage so now I am retyping and trying to remember what I typed lol sorry for the wait D:


There is a place in Jesse's head where it is quiet and dark - the same place he taps into when he slides into another character. When he is in that place, his thoughts would dim and it would go quiet. It is a trick he taught himself when he feels an impending panic attack. Quiet your thought, Jesse and he would let himself in the dark and there would be a hush in his mind.

It's been a week, maybe. Or two. Jesse does not know and can barely remember how he got home. Can barely remember stumbling in at the middle of the night and finding his mom on the other side of the front door with her arms wide open and just letting himself fall into them - too weak to pretend he is strong enough to handle himself. Can barely remember the feel of her mom's hands stroking his hair and clutching him back just as tightly as he sobs and cries thinking about how fucking ugly and weak he is, needing to be calmed down as if he was a child having a tantrum.

There is that place in his head and he lets himself fall in. He would wake up, climb downstairs where his mom and his sisters and his dad are having breakfast. Hallie giving him a small smile around the edges of her mug. He lets himself dim the thoughts of toned arms wrapped around him, the memories of Oh, Jesse, love. You are quite spectacular, and gentle hands cupping his face as if he isn't ugly enough to touch.

His dad gives him worried looks and his mom is trying too hard to make it seem normal - to pretend that it's normal for Jesse to be here with them on work days. As if Jesse was around all the time and not only around in holidays. Sometimes not even then. They are careful around him and Jesse hates it. He loves his family but he hates the tentativeness. They can all feel the blinding absence of Andrew who had been with Jesse on those times he does visit, lingering touches making his mom smile and dad roll his eyes fondly.

But he is in that place in his head and his mind is calm.

He falls back in bed midday, exhausted for something he can't understand. Body automatically curving to make room for someone who isn't there and fingers brushing the arms of someone who can't be around him. He feels a chink, a crack in the calm and he wills himself not to cry. Digs his fingers in his palm so he won't reach for the phone that had remained shut off since that night.

"Jesse?" It's his mom, voice tentative and it makes Jesse angry. He closes his eyes and thinks calm before answering.

"Come in"

He hears the creak his door makes when it's been opened - remembers mornings that involved waking him up and pulling him out the sheets and dumping him in the shower for school. He holds on to the memory and tilts his neck to try and give his mom a reassuring smile. Judging from her wince, it doesn't work.

The bed dips where his mom sits as she reaches a hand to push his hair back tentatively. It makes Jesse grit his teeth and hate himself because this is his mom how fucking ungrateful is he? Ugly and ungrateful because it is not his mom's touch that he craves but it is the only thing he would get because only his mom and his dad and his sisters would touch him willingly - lovingly. Who can fucking love a guy like him? He's fucking crazy.

"Jesse, darling, I know you're -" a sigh. "we think you should maybe talk with him. With Andrew."

Jesse squeezes his eyes shut and scrambles to run in that place in his mind where it is dark and there is no hurt but his mother keeps talking "- baby this isn't healthy. Your dad says you're going to talk to him when you're ready but I know you, Jesse. You would just -"

Not for You, My Love. 2.1/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-23 01:03 am (UTC)(Expand)
Not for You, My Love. 2.2/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-23 01:04 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 2.2/? - nlovers, 2011-06-23 01:55 pm (UTC)(Expand)

Not for You, My Love. 3/?

(Anonymous)
Jesse does not know how long they stayed not talking on the phone. He doesn't know and he doesn't count and all his thoughts are muddled except for the knowledge that he had been so happy - that for those two years that he lived knowing that he's got Andrew with him, he's been happy. He would wake up and sometimes Andrew wouldn't be with him physically but he would still be happy and it shakes Jesse now.

How he is only just realizing just how much happiness he had felt.

He looks to his left and wonders when his mom left the room. If she saw how weak he can get and couldn't bear see it. It makes Jesse hurt even more how is he even still alive from this.

He hears Andrew take a deep breath from the other end and Jesse knows it means he's preparing to say something and Jesse tries so hard not to feel anything about how much he thinks he knows about Andrew because that is a lie. It is a lie. Because if Jesse had really known Andrew, he wouldn't have been so fucking surprised to get home a day earlier and find Andrew thrusting into someone, rocking his hips slow like he's savouring it. How Jesse just stood frozen in their doorway and took in the clothes haphazardly thrown like Andrew couldn't be wait to fuck that woman. That woman with her legs around Andrew waist, heels high in the air as Andrew fucks into her, fingers probably leaving marks on her thighs. How he had been breathing hoarsely with his head thrown back and his neck exposed and -

Has Andrew done that before?

Is that the first time?

Is the woman someone he regularly fucks when Jesse is not around?

" - can we talk? Can we --- meet somewhere? I need --- I need to see you" and Jesse realises he's zoned out on whatever Andrew was saying.

Jesse can't even breathe just being on the phone with him, how will he survive if Andrew is standing in front of him? How would he resist when Andrew would be able to touch him and Jesse would just fall into him because that is what Jesse does - that is what makes Jesse okay. Falling into Andrew, not this place in his head where it's calm but it's lonely unlike Andrew where it's warm and soothing.

He doesn't know what hurts him more - not being around Andrew or being around Andrew. Jesus what is wrong with him.

"I don't want -" and there is a sharp intake of breath from the receiver and Jesse (fuck you are so pathetic) rushes to make Andrew okay. "I don't want to see you," he's not sure if he's lying. "Andrew," because it is the only word that somehow makes sense to Jesse even after everything. "Andrew, I -" he tries to be angry.

Tries to be angry at the images that somehow seared themselves into his brain but he is so exhausted of himself. "Did you - do you love her, Andrew? Do you do this often? All those times -" and his voice cracks because "- all those times I wasn't home or you were away do you -"

Andrew is saying "no no no no" over and over. Saying "Jesse, you're the only one I love."

Which makes Jesse even more exhausted because "Then why did you hurt me? Why did you hurt me, Andrew? If you love me then why did you -"

He chokes on the next words but he doesn't care anymore. All he can do is feel because he cannot think over the hurt "-- if you love me - Andrew, I love you so much. I love you. I love - Is that - wasn't it -" have I ever been enough?

Not for You, My Love. 3.1/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-23 02:42 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 3.1/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-23 08:45 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 3.1/? - nlovers, 2011-06-23 01:58 pm (UTC)(Expand)

Not for You, My Love. 4/?

(Anonymous)
SO I WAS IN THIS HARROWING MEETING I SHOULD HAVE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO BUT ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS "HOW DO I FIX THEM HOWWWWW" My life: what is it?


Andrew calls him again several times after, just talking about nothing important. He updates Jesse about his cats and tells him things but Jesse is steadily trying to learn how not to hurt so obviously whenever he hears Andrew's voice. Pretty soon the calls are just quiet because Andrew is quiet and Jesse doesn't really have anything to say that doesn't end with I love you.

The why's remained unanswered and the pleas ignored and Jesse gives in a little - he asks Andrew how his day was and smiles at the note of surprise he hears. Jesse lets his voice wash over him as he tells Jesse about having the best bagel ever and so on. By the end of it, Jesse thinks himself ready. So when Andrew had said "I'll see you soon?", and Jesse had replied with "Yeah," he actually meant this is the last time I'll allow myself to need you.

Because Jesse thinks it's for the best; that they should both be happy and Andrew should be with people he loves and Jesse should be with someone who does not make him feel as inadequate as he really is. And as pathetic as it sounds, Jesse is happy if Andrew is happy - even if it's with someone else.

So he does not meet Andrew on the day he agreed to. He does not pick up the phone and ignores the texts and in a month, those texts and calls had stopped. Jesse doesn't know if he should feel relieved or sad.

They do see each other, though. Nine and a half weeks later.

It's been nine and a half weeks and Jesse would say that he's alright but that would be a lie. The days bleed into each other - seconds to minutes to hours to days to weeks to months of not talking. He doesn't get panic attacks. He doesn't feel the need to cry or to cower into a corner. He doesn't feel anything.

He gets back on meds his therapists had eased him off when he'd begun his life with Andrew then everything dulled within him. He takes Zoloft, and Prozac, and other things that allow him to function but he does not feel anything.

There is an audition his agent hooked him up with and it's nice and it is promising just like Andrew told him it would be. And it is so very easy for him to shed Jesse and slide into a character because he doesn't feel like himself at all. He doesn't feel like anyone. It's almost a relief to be someone else and feel someone else's feelings because nothing is quite the same.

Things are okay, and Jesse is getting by.

And then he sees Andrew.

He is on his way to grab dinner from the diner not two corners away from an apartment he's renting and he is pushing the glass door open and there's Andrew with his hair as poofy as it was and a beanie on his head pulling the door open and waving a hand goodbye to someone in the diner and almost toppling over Jesse and -

"Oh, sor--" He freezes as he notices Jesse and Jesse just blinks up at him unable to say anything.

He had planned this in his mind -- scenarios after scenarios playing in his head. What he would say when they finally inevitably see each other in person. What he'd do. But Jesse is still caught off-guard because he did not expect the surge of emotions that threatened to break out of his skin. The overwhelming need to touch Andrew because Jesse realises that he misses him. He misses Andrew so much and he doesn't even mean it as a lover. He misses Andrew and the inside jokes and his friendship and --

There is a moment when Andrew looked like he was about to say something but he huffs a laugh that doesn't sound quite like a laugh and gives Jesse a smirk that looks more like a snarl. There is a slight nod then Andrew is pushing past him careful not to let them touch and just walks away, not looking back.

It is like a stab in gut.

Jesse knows Andrew did not look back at least once because Jesse watched him until he turned into a corner. Not once. Jesse scrambles to the dark alley next to the diner and heaves.

Not for You, My Love. 5/?

(Anonymous)
When a best friend of someone he had worked with on a small project had died several years back, Jesse was the one who took her out and pulled her hair back as she throws up the alcohol she consumed nonstop. He sat with her on her sofa as she cries I'll never hear his voice again, Jesse and He won't be able to say my name anymore.

He loves Andrew and he'd always believed that Andrew loved him back enough not to leave each other. That it will only be death that would rip them apart, both parties fighting for each other and struggling to be together.

He didn't think love could mean hurting each other so badly that there was nothing else left, that your nerve endings were raw and exposed, and your bodies' reaction to each other was nausea and borderline hysteria, tears and clenched fists. Jesse did not think love could mean hurting so much, you are begging your therapists to up your dosage.

They see each other again, weeks later. This time Jesse expects to see him. This time it's for a birthday dinner of a mutual friend Jesse didn't have the heart to say no to. He gets in late because there were fittings and he stammers the excuse out after giving his friend, Leila, a kiss on the cheeks and a smile as he hands her a gift.

He's greeted by people as he walks in - people he's seen around the building. People who have seen him with Andrew when they giggled and shared kisses and held hands. People whose birthdays they used to attend together in the last two years of their lives when there had been a 'them'.

Jesse's on his way to get champagne but sees Andrew standing by the table where the drinks are. He's looking at Jesse and Jesse tries so very hard not to wobble. He's got a glass of champagne in his hand, fingers curved around a slender glass and Jesse decides to bypass champagne and head straight to whiskey.

"Didn't think you'd actually come," Andrew drawls, breaking the silence when Jesse is pouring the alcohol in a glass. "Long time, huh, Jess?" so casual like this isn't at all affecting him at all. He was about to quip a reply when he notices Andrew's got a hand wrapped around someone's waist.

He hurries to sip some whiskey because he cannot do this sober.

The resulting burn in his throat makes his eyes water but he looks up and meets Andrew's eyes. "Long time." because what else is there to say? He tries not look look at where Andrew has a palm splayed on a woman's hips and Andrew, who had always known him better than anyone else, notices.

"Oh, by the way," Andrew gives him a knowing smirk and pulls the woman closer. "Have you met Carmen?"

Re: Not for You, My Love. 5/? - slasher48, 2011-06-23 08:39 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 5/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-23 08:42 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 5/? - slasher48, 2011-06-23 05:16 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Not for You, My Love. 5.5/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-23 08:41 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 5.5/? - reject36, 2011-06-23 09:56 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 5.5/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-24 12:06 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 5.5/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-23 10:47 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 5/? - nlovers, 2011-06-23 02:01 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 5/? - papaya_37, 2011-06-25 03:25 am (UTC)(Expand)

Not for You, My Love 6/?

(Anonymous)
Leila finds him swaying minutely as he stands on her balcony, staring at the blinking lights he used to see from a slightly different angle every day. She lives just two doors down to where he used to stay with Andrew and she knows about them. She knows because she's the one he rung to ask if Andrew was around so he could sneakily get the cats and some of his clothes back.

"Jesse, dinner's about to start in a few minu-- are you drinking whiskey?"

And Jesse can understand the disbelief. He doesn't really drink because it fucks up his meds and he's -- He feels a hand on his shoulder and feels Leila staring at him.

Jesse turns to look at her and thinks about how much she's changed since he first met her years ago the night after moving in with Andrew. How she had been too drunk to slot her key properly and Andrew and Jesse had just stepped off the lift. How Andrew had gone in her kitchen to get water as Jesse helped walk her to the sofa. Jesse knows about Ben who she fought with that night but came back knocking on her door the morning after, apologies spilling from his lips. They're still together and Jesse's happy for them even if just looking at the framed photos on the table makes him inexplicably lonely.

"You deserve to be happy too, you know? Not just him." she says after a while. Jesse feels his throat closing up. "I'll call you when dinner starts," she gives him a pat and takes the empty glass from his hands before walking away.

He's halfway to lowering a fork from his lips when Andrew casually tosses "since you're around, Jess. Maybe you should get the things you left in my flat. I put them in the box for you and all" before giving him a mocking smile and turning back into the conversation he'd been in.

Carmen is looking between them like something is finally dawning into her and everyone is trying to pretend they hadn't heard what Andrew had fucking thrown at Jesse from across the table.

And Jesse swallows the cauliflower without chewing it and tries not to choke because fuck Andrew--

"You know what's wrong with you?" He finds himself saying and he supposes this is probably not the place to start a verbal war but fuck it, he's done. Jesse can feel his hands shake and he puts down the fork, fearful of the overwhelming need to stab Andrew with it.

Andrew - fucking Andrew - looks back at him with an eyebrow raised before leaning back and crossing his arms against his chest. "Do tell, Jesse. Or maybe you should wait until I'm not around before you say it since that's what you do"

"That's actually a nice thought, coming from someone who brings a stranger home just to fuck them on the bed they share with their partners. What's wrong with you, Andrew, is how much you try to hurt the people you love because you're afraid they'd hurt you first." He's starting to panic again, he's pretty sure of that. He's also slightly drunk and also slightly wanting to smash something on his face because he is feeling the most irrational need to destroy his useless fucking face. "What's wrong with you is that you think everyone's going to hurt you and leave you so you hurt them and leave them first because then you'd be able to tell yourself that you were strong enough to let go. So you can lie to yourself and not deal with the fact that you think you're not worthy of them."

He closes his mouth when he sees hurt flash behind Andrew's eyes and then Andrew is saying, "What, and you think I'm worried about how I'm not worth you?"

And wow, it's like he's dying again. He's used to feeling ugly and useless and weak, used to people thinking of him that way, but not when it's from Andrew. Andrew who had held his hand and called him spectacular and beautiful and kissed his eyes and loved him.

Not for You, My Love 6.1/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-23 11:03 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love 6.1/? - xbriyeon, 2011-06-23 11:34 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love 6.1/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-24 12:04 am (UTC)(Expand)
AUTHOR!ANON HERE - (Anonymous), 2011-06-23 11:39 am (UTC)(Expand)
Not for You, My Love. 6.2/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-23 01:00 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 6.2/? - nlovers, 2011-06-23 02:05 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 6.2/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-24 12:05 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 6.2/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-23 03:21 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 6.2/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-23 03:22 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 6.2/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-24 12:03 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 6.2/? - deerbl00d, 2011-06-23 11:14 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 6.2/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-24 12:01 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 6.2/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-25 12:14 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 6.2/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-24 04:54 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 6.2/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-24 11:39 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love 6/? - nlovers, 2011-06-23 02:02 pm (UTC)(Expand)

Not for You, My Love. 7/?

(Anonymous)
It occurs to Jesse, some time between three AM and four AM, that loving someone does not mean trusting them.

Because he loves Andrew still.

But he does not trust him yet.

He's sprawled over the uncomfortable bed of the guest room, thinking about how he hasn't even slept on this bed when they were still together.

Jesse looks up the shelves kept clean and empty, just a few impersonal books that accumulated when he or Andrew are cast into a film based on books.

It was Carmen who had found them hours ago in that stairwell that smelled of vomit and possibly reeking of the amount of emo Jesse allowed himself to show.

Her make up was smudged and her hair a little out of place but she had stood on top of the stairs and stared at them.

"You should go apologise to Leila," she had said. And Jesse notices she's barefoot and just clutching the pair of shoes on her right hand. She's not looking at Andrew, which Jesse could definitely understand more than he'd like to understand.

Andrew had tensed up, back rigid, as he turns from where he was holding Jesse to face Carmen but Carmen looked straight at Jesse where he was crouched on the floor.

"I'm really sorry for, you know," she had said and before Jesse could tell her it wasn't her fault, she was saying "If I am in your place now-" she huffed a self-deprecating laugh "- I would break up with him but-"

She resolutely ignored the indignant noise Andrew made and continued looking at Jesse "- but I'm not. And i dont love him. You're brave and I feel really stupid now because I didn't immediately realise that you were together. I mean I'm new at the job but I shouldn't have. I was drunk and he was drunk and it got-"

Jesse could hear how she was trying not to cry and he wishes they didn't have to go through this much pain for something that should not be making them hurt.

"it got out of hand," she gave him a wry smile. "I haven't seen him since that night until today, thought I'd give it a chance. I don't know - anyway, Andrew-"

And then she looked straight at Andrew. "Don't fuck it up." And Jesse wanted to tell her how she thinks he's brave when she's like that but there was a smile and she was gone.

They made their way to their (his? What do they call themselves when they are not together?) apartment but not before dropping by at Leila's to say sorry but she just punched them both then hugged them before sending them away.

Jesse wonders how he could be home but still feel out of place. Like somehow his skin does not fit as much as they do normally. He moves about trying to find a position that would allow him to sleep but he gives up and throws the cover off before padding out the guest room.

He looks around, trying to point out the changes since he'd gone out in a hurry with his cats. There are gaps on the shelves they store books and DVDs on - gaps that once had books that Jesse had taken with him. It smells cleaner, probably from not having cats around. But there's still the mug that he uses on the counter and that giant map Andrew had gotten him when he was in Prague.

He's about to get some food when he notices Andrew asleep on the sofa. He barely fits in it, feet dangling on the edge and neck craned to an angle that can't be comfortable. He is illuminated by the dwindling lights of New York and Jesse feels a rush of something settle in his chest.

It's a piece, he thinks. A piece of those fragments that broke when it happened.

There were pillows on the sofa and a blanket Jesse remembers was from his own apartment. And the area around the sofa looked well lived in. It dawns on to him that Andrew has probably been sleeping on the sofa which, well - stupid.

Not for You, My Love. 7.5/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-24 07:42 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 7.5/? - nlovers, 2011-06-24 12:50 pm (UTC)(Expand)

Not for You, My Love. 8/?

(Anonymous)
They still hurt each other, inexplicably.

They still have fights that end up with Jesse feeling like he's dying and with Andrew growing quieter and quieter.

Jesse still has mild panic attacks whenever Andrew needs to go on location or whenever Jesse needs to do press tour.

Andrew still goes straight into checking the rooms for Jesse if he does not see him around the common room or doesn't see a note stuck to their fridge.

Jesse learns how leave post-its stuck on the mirror by their door and Andrew learns how to be even more patient for Jesse's (not exactly unwarranted) paranoia.

But it's still not enough.

Jesse's therapist mentions something about codependency and that maybe they should look into couple's therapy before handing him a calling card of someone she recommends. Jesse thanks her and tucks the card in a wallet that he's had since The Social Network. He looks up to see what his therapist would say about it - but she just smiles at him fondly and tells him he's on his way.

They fight again. This time it's because Andrew didn't come home the night he was supposed to and Jesse feels anxiousness take over him. A few hours later, Andrew stumbles in muttering about fucking delayed flights and sees Jesse's suitcase on their bed.

That had been disastrous.

The next morning he finds Andrew staring distantly at the towering grey buildings, arms crossed against the chest looking defeated and worn around the edges. Jesse shuffles over quietly behind him before putting a hand around his waist and burying his face on the rigid planes of Andrew's back.

Andrew exhales, bowing his head. Jesse feels a hand covering his fingers that are tangled to keep Andrew close.

They stay like that for a while before he feels Andrew turning halfway to pull Jesse until they are side by side, arm around his shoulders.

"Sorry,"

And Jesse's heart twinges when he knows he should be the one apologising. There is a light kiss on his temple and Jesse closes his eyes.

"We can work this out," he finds himself saying. Voice hoarse from screaming at Andrew as Andrew screams back. "But I think maybe- I think we should get some help?"

Andrew stays quiet as Jesse stammers the suggestion, placated only when he feels Andrew's wrap his arms tighter around him. "Okay, yeah, yeah we should."

They work it out.

Sometimes Andrew would go on his own and Jesse would stay home reading scripts after scripts and piling the ones he's interested in on the table in the common room.

When Andrew comes home in a few hours, they sit next to each other as Andrew points and nods at the scripts he thinks are the most promising - the news they're supposed to be watching ignored and forgotten as they discuss the difference of one script from the other.

Jesse asks his therapist on a solo session if waiting for Andrew's opinion on the scripts is considered as codependent. She smiles at him fondly and tells him no, that's just how it works.

In one of their joint sessions, Jesse finds out about Andrew drinking almost every night after Jesse had snuck his things out whilst Andrew was out to buy lunch. And Andrew found about Jesse begging for larger doses.

The next day, Jesse clears all the (admittedly small number of) bottles at their apartment as Andrew watches him from the dining table, exasperated and amused.

He remains quiet and let's Jesse pour alcohol down the sink because he had taken all of Jesse's prescriptions and has been watching him like a hawk when it's time for Jesse to take his pills.

It's not perfect, but they're on their way.

When Andrew had gone with him to his parent's house on the fourth of July, he is embarrassed by the weepy sound he made when he stalks down the stairs blearily and finds Andrew at their breakfast table discussing the origin of England's Bonfire Night with his dad whilst gnawing on a biscuit his mom baked the day before.

Andrew shoots him a smile around the biscuit and Jesse finds himself ducking his head to hide the blush that's undoubtedly spreading on his cheeks.

His dad laughs and pats Andrew on the shoulder.

Not for You, My Love. 8.1/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-24 07:44 am (UTC)(Expand)
Not for You, My Love. 8.3/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-24 07:45 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 8.3/? - nlovers, 2011-06-24 12:56 pm (UTC)(Expand)
LOL WRONG NUMBERING OOPS THATS 8.2 - (Anonymous), 2011-06-24 07:47 am (UTC)(Expand)

Not for You, My Love. 9/?

(Anonymous)
Jesse bumps into Carmen as he was running up the Starbucks right down the place where he just attended a table read that started at the asscrack of dawn for reasons he doesn't understand himself.

"Oh," she had said, hand hovering over the handle of the glass door.

Jesse gives her a nervous smile, pushes the door open and let's her walk in first. She rolls her eyes and Jesse relaxes a little - offering to buy her coffee.

She waves a hand and buys him his tea instead. They find themselves huddled at the table located on the farthest corner of the cafe, talking over their warm drinks.

Her cheeks are red from the cold that's blanketing New York as winter looms among them. And Jesse almost spits out his tea when she cracks a joke about cocks. She laughs openly, offering him paper napkins. It endears him to her more.

Somehow they are exchanging numbers and giving each other awkward but comfortable half hugs before walking off to different directions.

He tells Andrew about it later when he is blinking up lazily to the webcam of the laptop Andrew bought him just so they could Skype.

Andrew has been away for several longs months and he's just about to be done with the last of press tours; last stop was Tokyo where Andrew is in now.

"I saw Carmen today," he mumbles sleepily. Andrew looks surprised for a moment before shaking his head in disbelief.

He is wearing a suit but is in his hotel room and Jesse misses running his hands across Andrew's poofy hair.

"Yeah, what happened?"

"She bought me tea and we talked. It was nice, actually. I think we became friends. Sort of. We exchanged numbers."

Andrew blinks at him and gives him a bewildered grin. "You're impossible," but it didn't sound like an insult. "You are absolutely the most ridiculous, impossible creature I have ever had the best of fortunes to meet."

"It's nothing," Jesse says as he sprawls on his back, laptop perched on Andrew's side of the bed. "You can get her number from my phone the next time you want to fuck around."

He didn't notice what he had said until Andrew remained quiet from the other end. Jesse turns to his side and scrambles to apologise. Andrew's eyes are big and hurt and he looks like he's been slapped.

Jesse immediately feels guilty - not only for what he just said but also because Carmen is still nice and she doesn't deserve that.

He watches as Andrew pinches the bridge of his nose and breathes deeply.

"Andrew, I didn't -"

He releases another breath before opening his eyes and Jesse can see the hurt in them even if it's just a couple of pixels on a screen.

Jesse doesn't know what else to say but sorry. Andrew nods and gives him a small smile before saying he'll be home in twenty something hours. Jesse groans into his pillow as he shuts the lid and thinks of how he could make it up to Andrew.

Not for You, My Love. 9.1/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-24 07:50 am (UTC)(Expand)
Not for You, My Love. 9.2/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-24 07:52 am (UTC)(Expand)
Not for You, My Love. 9.3/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-24 07:54 am (UTC)(Expand)
Not for You, My Love. 9.4/9.4 WOOOHOO - (Anonymous), 2011-06-24 07:59 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 9.4/9.4 WOOOHOO - (Anonymous), 2011-06-24 09:19 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 9.4/9.4 WOOOHOO - (Anonymous), 2011-07-03 10:04 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 9.4/9.4 WOOOHOO - (Anonymous), 2011-06-24 12:18 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 9.4/9.4 WOOOHOO - (Anonymous), 2011-07-03 10:06 am (UTC)(Expand)
(Deleted comment)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 9.4/9.4 WOOOHOO - (Anonymous), 2011-07-03 10:07 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 9.4/9.4 WOOOHOO - (Anonymous), 2011-07-03 10:08 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 9.4/9.4 WOOOHOO - (Anonymous), 2011-06-24 01:05 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 9.4/9.4 WOOOHOO - (Anonymous), 2011-07-03 10:10 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 9.4/9.4 WOOOHOO - (Anonymous), 2011-06-24 05:33 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 9.4/9.4 WOOOHOO - (Anonymous), 2011-07-03 10:15 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 9.4/9.4 WOOOHOO - (Anonymous), 2011-07-03 10:18 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: Not for You, My Love. 9.4/9.4 WOOOHOO - (Anonymous), 2011-07-03 10:02 am (UTC)(Expand)
OMFG NEW YORK JUST PASSED THE BILL RELEVANT!!!! - (Anonymous), 2011-06-24 11:02 pm (UTC)(Expand)

[ORIGINALLY PLANNED ENDING] Not for You, My Love. 7/?

(Anonymous)
Um yeah someone requested for me to post the ending I initially planned for this fic and I thought, well, I've already typed it so why not. This is actually, uh, this is sad. Haha. This is maybe sad and I was planning to have them meet and reconnect in the future to make it "hopeful" but yeah. It's sad. I'm working on vignettes (OH GOD WHY) on the other ending's ~future but I wanted to get this out so I could make it better with the other happier epilogue hahahahaha someone punch me

THIS STARTS RIIIIIIGHT AFTER CHAPTER 6.2

**

He pulls away from Andrew lets himself breathe. One, two. One, two. There is a dull ache in his head reminding him of the whiskey and probably the accidental headsmash against the wall. When he opens his eyes again, there are dots flashing and moving and blurring Andrew's worried face.

Maybe it's for the best. Not seeing Andrew clearly. He can still feel some remnants of anger deep in his gut and it's enough to fuel him to stand up without any help but the wall's.

"Hey -" and when Jesse looks up, Andrew is standing as well. There is a hand hovering near his face and Jesse doesn't quite know if he wants to lean on it again. "Hey -" Andrew repeats.

There is a boulder in Jesse's throat that he tries to dislodge by swallowing. And also the bile that's threatening to burst out of his mouth. Jesse feels so weak - weaker than he had felt all his life and that's saying something.

"Are you -"

"We should head up."

"Jess -"

Jesse tries to tilt the corners of his mouth in what he wishes looks like a reassuring smile. His eyes are almost closing involuntarily but he puts a hand on Andrew's shoulder before pulling away and stumbling up the staircase.

He is greeted by Carmen sitting on the floor next to the landing with her chin tucked in her knees. She looks up when she sees him and slides up. They're of the same height, Jesse realises. She's barefoot and holding her shoes on her right hand.

"Jesse - can I call you Jesse?"

He is so exhausted but he nods and tries to scurry away except there's a hand on his elbow and -

"Hi. I just - I -" Carmen breathes out a self-deprecating laugh. "I just waited for you so I could - I'm leaving I promise I just wanted to say sorry for -"

"It's not your fault" because it isn't. Jesse turns until he is facing her directly. She looks like she's ready to fall on her feet as well.

[ORIGINALLY PLANNED ENDING] Not for You, My Love. 7.1/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-25 04:00 am (UTC)(Expand)
[ORIGINALLY PLANNED ENDING] Not for You, My Love. 7.2/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-25 04:05 am (UTC)(Expand)
[ORIGINALLY PLANNED ENDING] Not for You, My Love. 7.3/? - (Anonymous), 2011-06-25 04:10 am (UTC)(Expand)
[ORIGINALLY PLANNED ENDING] Not for You, My Love. 7.4/7.4 - (Anonymous), 2011-06-25 04:21 am (UTC)(Expand)
~AUTHOR'S NOTE~ - (Anonymous), 2011-06-25 04:56 am (UTC)(Expand)
Re: ~AUTHOR'S NOTE~ - nlovers, 2011-06-29 02:29 pm (UTC)(Expand)
Re: ~AUTHOR'S NOTE~ - (Anonymous), 2011-06-29 09:47 pm (UTC)(Expand)